Comic Land Dispute

When my grandmother died, she left some land to my brothers, David and Pete, in southern Kentucky. The land has been in our family since before the Civil War, and is mostly wooded, but she had leased some of the land to tobacco growers and for hay in recent years. As far as we've known, the people are neighborly, and the farm is rich in its rolling, green beauty.

A few weeks ago, we got a phone call from this man. The best way I can describe the conversation is FRIED. Crispy. Not all cylinders firing, if you know what I mean. This strange man (whose contact information shows up on caller ID) proceeds to tell me that there's a squatter on Neeny's land named "so-and-so" (whom I happen to know and was a friend of Neeny). The squatter is growing a meth. lab, and I need to do something about it right away. I gave him Pete's number (because Pete loves little more than dealing with crazies!) and forgot all about him.

A few nights ago, the guy called back (the contact information still showing on caller ID). This time, he told me his name was something else--a relative of my grandmother's friend. He had a woman in the background stage-whispering, too, so he wouldn't forget how to spell his assumed identity. I was cracking up!! I gave him the state police number, and let him go. I figure he was a tad surprised to realize he was on the phone with THEM! :)

The next night, he did it again. Different name this time, though. Pete got involved with that one, though, and sent him on a wild goose chase. Then Pete called the police. It was beginning to feel a bit like the Hatfields and the McCoys around here by that time.

LAST NIGHT, the local game warden calls and says that there's a nasty land dispute going on, and wanted permission to file charges. I guess it's hunting season, so they're all trespassing and threatening to shoot each other? You can't make this stuff up! I gave the game warden Pete's number, gave Pete the information via Facebook, and went to bed.

Today, Pete posts on my Facebook wall, "To whatever extent you could please not reference meth labs on my wall, it'd be much appreciated. Love ya!"

Aaargh!! Pete--future President of America who has forbade me from writing about him because of his political future--I am counting on you to save us from the crazies in the world! No one thinks you are one of them! You are our hero with the sense of humor who can inspire the bad guys to give up their evil ways just by messing with them! Now if meth lab guy manages to make his way up here and kill us in our sleep, how will anyone know where to follow up?

Hence this post. Pete is innocent. "Pete" may not even be my brother's real name (how does that sound, Petie?) And if meth lab guy keeps calling, I will publish his contact information here so that you guys can call him and tell him your name is Guido and you make short work out of thugs like him. That ought to do it. :-)