Student: My back hurts between my shoulder blades.
Me: Did you fall on it?
Student: No. What else do you think it could be?
Me: I don't know. Are you coughing?
Student: (makes himself cough, forced) Yes
Me: Well, there's a lot of bronchitis going around, but that doesn't sound like much of a cough...
Student: How do you spell that?
(I spell "bronchitis" for him, he goes to lunch then recess with his class. Returns after recess)
Student: Mrs. P, I know now and it's bad. I don't want to tell the other kids yet. Go to webmd.com
Me: You know you don't have bronchitis, right? That was a fake cough you produced. You probably just slept wrong.
Student: Just go there. I have to show you.
(I go to WebMD.)
Student: See?? There, in related conditions! Lung cancer! I knew it! Do you think it will kill me?
Me: Have you coughed up blood? Mucous? You a smoker? Did you even READ this thing on lung cancer?
Student: What's mucous? And how would I know if I coughed up blood, because of course I would swallow it again....
Me: Go back to class. You're fine.
Student: You don't want to call my mom???
Me: You can tell her when you get home.
Student: OK, but I hope they don't sue.
Me too, Kiddo. But my intuition is telling me it's probably not cancer....
Hasn't technology come a long way since we used to huddle all 20 kids around one computer to find out whether our team had made it to Oregon or died of dysentery?
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